I miss my dad. I’m not
sure there’s an easy way to talk about it or describe how it feels to not have
one of your parents around but a lesson I’ve learned through writing here the
last 5 years is that writing almost always makes me feel better so that is what
we are going to try and accomplish now.
My dad died when I was
19 from a brain tumour. I vividly remember the drives out to his place and eventually
to Sudbury where he was at the hospital.
It wasn’t super drawn out but also didn’t happen suddenly. I can
remember thinking the Christmas before it happened that I was under the
impression that this was going to be the last Christmas we spent together; unfortunately,
I was right.
I try not to use
vulgar language whilst writing these posts but if I’m allowed to speak freely,
losing your dad fucking sucks. The thing people don’t tell you is that while
the immediate pain eventually goes away, you’re never back to 100%. Your first
birthday, Thanksgiving, his birthday and Christmas are all reminders of what
just happened. Oh, so you graduated from school, booked a one-way ticket or
going to your brother’s wedding? Don’t worry, it will all become much sadder because
it’s a reminder that person isn’t around to experience it with you. I have
a nephew who talks about a papa he will never get to meet. Whoever draws the
short straw and falls in love with Teacher Bert won’t ever get to watch a movie
with my dad and almost immediately hear him snore.
On the plus side, I won’t
have to hear him complain about my grass being too long or not green enough. My
kids won’t be told how when they walk they pronate and should get orthotics. They
won’t be told when they’re bored to walk the dog or do their research for a research
project they don’t have. They won’t know the sweet sound of gospel music being
blasted at 400% volume or the reliability of their grandpa eating all their
chocolate bars they need to sell for school.
While it is by far the
worst thing that has ever happened to me, there are small bright sides. No
matter what obstacle has come my way since then, it pales in comparison. Oh,
that girl doesn’t want to give you her number? Tough break but it beats being
at your dad’s funeral. I’ve probably saved a few dollars on Father’s Day gifts
that I’d like to say have transferred into better Mother’s Day gift but we all
know that’s not true.
I suppose another
reason I’m writing this post is because a big portion of people in my age
bracket haven’t had to deal with this type of scenario. Some have but most
haven’t. This is my attempt into giving people a peek into what life after death is like. Oftentimes, when I hear that a friend is
going through something similar, it brings me right back to that day I was in
the room with my brother when it all went south. After that happens, most
people are rightfully at a loss for what to say. There’s no magic word or pill
to make you feel better. While a Facebook message or text from me isn’t going
to change the trajectory of their next few weeks, I hope that it gives a brief
glimmer of hope that eventually, it won’t hurt. Eventually it will make you
tougher; eventually it will make you realize we only get once chance on planet
Earth and we need to love while we can. Be as sad/angry/frustrated/confused as
you like. Emotions are meant to be felt. You need to feel it. People grieve in
different ways.
My best advice would be to surround yourself with people who
love you. Cry as much or as little as you like. Get mad if that’s how you feel.
Feel hopeless, betrayed or devastated. I would suggest not making any rash life
choices or doing anything that might harm you. I would also caution against
drinking too soon after. It could lead to you asleep on the grass outside an
ESSO gas station while a group of girls wakes you up to call your mom who lives
30 minutes outside of town instead of walking the 5 minutes back down the
street from where you came from. It could also end with you signing a release
form by paramedics stating you refused help and to sign where the X is. You could
sign your name and the paramedic alerts you to the fact that you signed your
name but not where the X is. You may also awake at home in your bathroom, miss
work and a dentist appointment but those are all hypothetical.
Just to be clear, I
didn’t write this to make anyone sad, or for anyone to feel sorry for me. I
have and do live a charmed life. I am insanely lucky to have the family I have,
endless opportunity, great friends and health. If I could reshuffle the deck,
there’s no chance I would take that deal. We all get dealt different hands and
I just wanted to shed some light on a topic that consumes some of my daily
thoughts.
If your mom, dad,
uncle, grandma or grandpa are still around and you find yourself wondering how
much time you have left, I have one suggestion for you:
Find pictures of them
as baby, kid, teenager and adult and ask them what the heck was going on in
those pictures. Family albums are gems that I promise will make your sides
hurt. Find an album, brew some tea and listen to some stories.
Let’s end on a
positive note. The lessons I learned through being my father’s son is not to
work hard, love your family and put them first, the baby is always the
favourite, water the grass, shovel the driveway and walkways, put salmon in
tinfoil and steam it in the dishwasher without other dishes, give back (20+
years hosting a three hour, volunteer Gospel radio show), get good snow tires,
no joking around at border crossings, a love for driving, a soft spot for ‘Con
Air’, ‘Dumb and Dumber’ and ‘Married with Children’, and to cheer and stick up
for the underdog.
I sometimes wonder what he would think of Thailand, New
Zealand, Poland and whatever comes next. I think that he would worry about me
getting hurt, (he didn’t instill a great enough fear of roofs into me) and not
seeing my family enough but I think that he would think that this has been a
pretty cool ride. I bet he would want me to meet a beautiful, smart young woman
to spend the end of time with but it’s comforting to know that meeting my
future draw dropping wife won’t instantly give him a heart attack. Love your
friends and family with all your heart. Time marches on and we don’t always get
second chances. Photo albums.
"Songs of love, hope and inspiration."
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