I’ve asked a few
people this question lately and I am surprised with how different people’s
responses have been. While some people have big regrets, others claim to have
none. None! Truthfully, I believe this is a lie. These people have regrets. It’s
impossible not to. However, I believe what people are trying to say has
something to do with they are happy with the road they have travelled that has
led them to where they are today. Will you regret reading this post? Absolutely.
• When we handle it properly, regret can make us
better. Understanding its effects hones our decisions, boosts our performance,
and bestows a deeper sense of meaning. The problem, though, is that we often
don’t handle it properly.
I recently listened
to The Power of Regret by Daniel Pink. I don’t think I had thought about
regret that much before consuming this book. People have regrets. People move
on. Nothing to see here. Apparently, regret has a lot to teach us. I will summarize
his main points, add some regrets of my own that wrap this up so you can get on
with making newer, bigger regrets.
-Contamination Narrative-Things
were good; now they are bad. (of course)
-Redemption Narrative-Things
were bad; now they are good. (happens less frequently)
Guess which narrative
is better for your mental health?
-We can use regret to
anticipate a future regret and act differently.
Here is an example of
anticipating future regret:
• The First Law of Holes: “When you find yourself
in a hole, stop digging.” …We often compound bad choices by continuing to
invest time, money, and effort in losing causes instead of stanching our losses
and switching tactics
All regrets can fall into one of four categories:
Foundation regrets: “If
I only I had worked harder.”
Boldness regrets: “If
only I had taken that risk.” I wish I asked or I wish I tried.
Moral regrets: “If only
I had done the right thing.” I wish I had been kinder to…
Connection regrets: “If
only I had reached out.” When we let friendships die.
• The very act of contemplating what they hadn’t
done previously widened the possibilities of what they could do next and provided
a script for future interactions.
Which type of regret
do you think people have the most of? Apparently, connection regrets are the
most frequent regret us humans have.
-2/3 of regrets are
due to inaction. We must take action. Or don’t and regret it. Up to you.
-There is something called
the World Regret Survey. People have lots of regrets. Some are small like
regretting not going to that Billy Joel concert 25 years ago because it was on
a school night. Others are more serious about not being a better husband/wife,
leaving things unsaid until it was too late and not taking a certain risk.
https://worldregretsurvey.com/
• These seventy years of research distill to two
simple yet urgent conclusions: Regret makes us human. Regret makes us better.
There are open door
regrets: Regrets you can still do something about.
There are closed door
regrets: Regrets that cannot be undone.
Do you have any open-door
regrets that you still have the power to change?
The “no
regrets” ethos is a strong one, but as Pink points out, it’s also dangerous. In
adults, the true absence of regret can be a sign of serious illness including a
range of psychiatric and neurological diseases. Regret is actually a marker of
a healthy and maturing mind.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/pressure-proof/202202/the-4-major-kinds-regret
At Leasts and If Onlys.
At least I saved my
tennis racket before my condo burnt down.
At least I tried.
If only I had woken
up earlier.
If only I had made a
to-do list.
At Least
counterfactuals preserve our feelings in the moment, but they rarely enhance
our decisions or performance in the future. If Only counterfactuals degrade our
feelings now, but-and this is key-they can improve our lives later. Regret is
the quintessential upward counterfactual-the ultimate If only.
https://waiyancan.com/summary-the-power-of-regret-by-daniel-h-pink/
• All deep structure regrets reveal a need and yield a lesson. With boldness regrets, the human need is growth—to expand as a person, to enjoy the richness of the world, to experience more than an ordinary life. The lesson is plain: Speak up. Ask him out. Take that trip. Start that business. Step off the train.
·
Imagine your best friend is confronting the same regret that you’re
dealing with. What is the lesson that the regret teaches them? What would you
tell them to do next? Be as specific as you can. Now follow your own advice.
·
Imagine that you are a neutral expert—a doctor of regret
sciences—analyzing your regret in a clean, pristine examination room. What is
your diagnosis? Explain in clinical terms what went wrong. Next, what is your
prescription? Now write an email to yourself—using your first name and the
pronoun “you”—outlining the small steps you need to learn from the regret.
·
If your regret involves your business or career, try a technique from
the late Intel CEO Andy Grove, who reportedly would ask himself, “If I were
replaced tomorrow, what would my successor do?”
·
Imagine it is ten years from now and you’re looking back with pride on
how you responded to this regret. What did you do?
·
https://waiyancan.com/summary-the-power-of-regret-by-daniel-h-pink/
• Over time we are much more likely to regret the chances we didn’t take than the chances we did. What haunts us is the inaction itself.
Ok Bert, I’ve
scrolled this far to get to the point where you write about your regrets. Tell
me what you regret!
-I regret going on
that roof in Thailand; big regret.
-Do I regret going to
NZ? If I had to spend 6 months somewhere, knowing what I know now, I would have
gone to Australia. Good or bad, hard to say.
-I regret waiting
another two years after deciding in 2009 that I wanted to move abroad.
-I once put
dishwashing liquid in my brother’s dishwasher instead of those tiny pods;
regret that.
-Questionable tattoo
choices.
-I gave a terrible
speech at the end of the year graduation in 2019; still haunts me.
-I once sent someone
a voice message saying that I thought that we should stop being friends. It was
harsh and I could have handled that better. Big regret.
-I regret not buying
thousands of Bitcoin in 2009. You think you would ever hear from me again if I
was a billionaire? No chance.
If this was me, I don’t
think I would be able to wake up and function:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7MBRgLEXLEE
-When my dad was
dying, I definitely could have said things I didn’t say. That is what they call
a closed-door regret.
-I lived with a guy named
Matt for 4 years; massive regret.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pSW2FDXuFe4
Apparently, we can
learn from our regrets. I know it’s not a fun topic of conversation but ask
people in your life what they regret or take some time this weekend and think
about how your past choices can help you make better decisions in the days and years
to come.
Book summary:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPsxbUod2UU
• Regret is not dangerous or abnormal, a
deviation from the steady path to happiness. It is healthy and universal, an
integral part of being human. Regret is also valuable. It clarifies. It
instructs. Done right, it needn’t drag us down; it can lift us up.
