Self-Sabotage

There is someone secretly plotting against you. This is happening daily from someone you think you trust, should love you and have your long term interest at heart. This person has been right under your nose this entire time while you’ve deliberated about who could possibly be to blame for your stalling career, failed relationships, constant procrastination and overall feelings of unworthiness. Take a glance at the nearest mirror and look your culprit directly in the eyes; you are looking at (potentially) your worst nightmare.

"We are so used to disguising ourselves from others that we end up disguising ourselves from ourselves."

– François La Rochefoucauld

This shouldn’t be news to me and it is an incredibly sad thing but some people hate themselves. Some people don’t like the direction their lives have taken, decisions they’ve made, how they look, feel or act in general. I just read that 7 out of 10 young girls don’t feel good enough and I’m sure the number isn’t far off from how boys feel. I somewhat recently stumbled upon this idea of self-sabotage: subconsciously getting in your own way to stop you from success, happiness, productivity or love.

 We sabotage our own lives for a bunch of reasons but a main factor is that we don’t feel worthy of whatever joy is brought into our lives. Things going well at work? Probably time to show up late and hungover for the big presentation. Finally getting on the right track financially? Probably time to buy a sea-doo. Starting to feel healthy? Best to skip a few workouts and hit up that Thai/Chinese all you can eat buffet. Finally met someone you dig? Best to start fights early to make sure that doesn’t have the potential to turn into the real thing.

Common self-sabotaging behaviours:

Procrastinating

Over eating, drinking or spending

Eating poorly/less physical activity

Overly critical of others or ourselves

Obsessively worrying

Not starting or finishing projects

Not taking steps to stop something that is bad for us

Self-pity

Creating conflict

Leaving jobs or people before they can leave you

There is a long list of other self-sabotaging behaviours but these are some key ones. While these are technically self-sabotaging behaviours, they are also incredibly human behaviours. I think the majority of people do a certain number of these to a certain extent which is completely understandable and predictable. The problem is when the consequences and frequency increase without us becoming mindful of it. If we are aware that we don’t feel like we deserve love, we can catch our brains trying to self-sabotage a relationship before it starts and correct course. If we know we tend to blow everything up once we are close to reaching our desired outcome, we need to be extra vigilant during those times, have a close friend to monitor any new or potentially damaging behaviour to stay on track. Taking the time to at least be aware that this could be happening in some area of your life is a great start. I am guilty of more of these behaviours than I care to admit but I have found a few recommendations to keep the positive vibes flowing.

Shift your definition of your worth, from outcomes to effort. Decide that you will define your worth by the loving actions you take for yourself and others, rather than by the outcome of the actions.

Consciously see mistakes and failure as steppingstones to success, rather than as definitions of your worth. Make it okay to fail. Allow failure and mistakes to inform you that you need to learn more, rather than being indicators of your intelligence or worth, or lack thereof.

Make a decision that you are willing to lose another person rather than lose yourself. You will not fear rejection or engulfment when you learn to be true to yourself, and you are willing to take loving action in your own behalf — even if another person doesn’t like it.

(source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/margaret-paul-phd/stop-self-sabotage_b_3361059.html)

It’s much easier to face your fears and “fail” than it is to continuously quit before trying.

Can you get clear on what you actually want; what is the benefit to you, the reason for doing what you want to do in the first place? Once you’ve figured that out, what would be the smallest commitment you could make to yourself that would represent a step in the right direction?

 (source: http://thefordinstitute.com/selfsabotagequiz/)

Be kind to yourself. Monitor self-talk.

Figure out 2-3 ways you consistently self-sabotage. What are some ways you can combat those behaviours every day?

Ex: I eat unhealthy food.

Resolution: Only have healthy food at home. Eat fruit and vegetables every day. 

Have a food diary you show a friend at the end of each week.

Finally, I think we get too much into our own heads at times so focus on helping others which will help them and ultimately you.

As long as we are aware how we get in our own way, we can at least attempt to limit the damage we inflict on ourselves. 

Short quiz:

http://www.secretswekeep.com/assess_your_risk_for_self-sabotage.htm

Helpful:
http://www.secretswekeep.com/living_your_best_life.htm

Checklist to stop self-sabotaging behaviour

http://www.brigittevantuijl.com/pdfs/FreebiePreventSelf-Sabotage.pdf

Videos:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1eYiq_V5cM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XX30i6nC7ro

"I have offended God and mankind because my work did not reach the quality it should have."

     – Leonardo da Vinci

Lying

People lie.

People say things that aren’t true, that they don’t feel or describe things that may not have happened to make themselves feel and look better to other people. I’m almost certain this has been going on this the beginning of time. It seems to work until it doesn’t. Is it worth it?

“History is a set of lies agreed upon.” 
― Napoléon Bonaparte

I recently read an essay aptly titled Lying by Sam Harris. He reasons that all lies are bad and that we shouldn’t tell them; even white ones. I then did some more research so I will make lying April’s theme. (only 3 months behind!)

Here are the main takeaways:

-Lying is a kind of gateway drug. You tell one small lie about how late you worked last night. Next thing you know, you have a family in Australia and one in Mexico while spending far too much money on flights and family birthday presents.

-If you knew every action you took you would not try to hide, you would act more honestly in times of potential weakness. If you knew that you would have to tell your uncle you smoked all of his cigars while he was burying his pet iguana, you would probably think twice about smoking his cigars and possibly why your uncle bought an iguana in the first place.

I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you.” 
― Friedrich Nietzsche

-Being honest makes people trust us more. Have you ever noticed when someone has been blunt when you weren’t necessarily expecting it, while it may have hurt at the time, it made you respect that person and strengthened your relationship? People will come to think of you as someone who will shoot them straight and not sugar coat the truth. Don’t lie.

-If you are known as someone who tells the truth and has that reputation, you will want to keep your reputation as a truth teller. On the other hand, if people don’t always believe you and you tend to bend the truth, why stop now?

I always tell the truth. Even when I lie.
—Al Pacino

-Any guesses on areas of life people tend to lie the most in? If you’ve ever taught high school in certain parts of the world, plagiarism is a word many of them have not have heard of before. Other areas shockingly include dating sites, resumes, to parents, spouses, taxes and don’t think for a second your dentist is buying that you floss daily.

-I read in a few different places that people can only detect about 50% of your lies. That means you have a 50-50 shot of making it across the border with that exotic and endangered pet iguana to help cheer up your uncle.

The thing about lying to your parents is, you have to do it to protect them. It’s for their own good.
—Sophie Kinsella

The biggest takeaway from learning about lying was this from Sam Harris:

In fact, suspicion often grows on both sides of a lie: Research indicates that liars trust those they deceive less than they otherwise might-and the more damaging their lies, the less they trust, or even like, their victims. It seems that in protecting their egos and interpreting their own behaviour as justified, liars tend to deprecate the people they lie to.

You respect people less who believe your lies. I believe this to be true and a very strange part of our psychology. If you care a great deal about someone, don’t deceive them not only because they deserve the truth but lying will result in you losing respect for them as well.

To agree to keep a secret is to assume a burden. (Sam Harris)

Here are some curious stats and research about lying:

-Most children have figured out that lying is a thing that they can add to their arsenal at around age 4. What do you think happens after that?

The Toronto Star has monitored every falsehood Donald Trump has mustered so far. His count is at 1972

http://projects.thestar.com/donald-trump-fact-check/

By lying, we deny others our view of the world. And our dishonesty not only influences the choices they make, it often determines the choices they can make-in ways we cannot always predict. Every lie is an assault on the autonomy of those we lie to. (Sam Harris)

Just how bad is it? According to a 2002 study conducted by the University of Massachusetts, 60% of adults can’t have a ten minute conversation without lying at least once.

http://mentalfloss.com/article/30609/60-people-cant-go-10-minutes-without-lying

By lying, we deny our friends access to reality. (Sam Harris)

People who trust more are more accurate at detecting liars, and the more trusting people are the more they can distinguish a lie, Canadian researchers find.

https://www.upi.com/Health_News/2010/08/18/More-trusting-better-at-detecting-liars/UPI-70301282110618/

Certain cultures may place special importance on these "kind" lies. A survey of residents at 31 senior citizen centres in Los Angeles recently revealed that only about half of elderly Korean Americans believe that patients diagnosed with life-threatening metastatic cancer should be told the truth about their condition. In contrast, nearly 90 percent of Americans of European or African descent felt that the terminally ill should be confronted with the truth.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/199705/the-truth-about-lying

Nevertheless, one must begin being truthful from wherever one happens to be in life. (Sam Harris)

To study lying in children, Lee and his colleagues use a simple experiment. They ask kids to guess the identity of toys hidden from their view, based on an audio clue. For the first few toys, the clue is obvious—a bark for a dog, a meow for a cat—and the children answer easily. Then the sound played has nothing to do with the toy. “So you play Beethoven, but the toy’s a car,” Lee explains. The experimenter leaves the room on the pretext of taking a phone call—a lie for the sake of science—and asks the child not to peek at the toy. Returning, the experimenter asks the child for the answer, following up with the question: “Did you peek or not?

Most children can’t resist peeking, Lee and his researchers have found by monitoring hidden cameras. The percentage of the children who peek and then lie about it depends on their age. Among two-year-old transgressors, only 30 percent are untruthful. Among three-year-olds, 50 percent lie. And by eight, about 80 percent claim they didn’t peek.

If you deceive your children about Santa, you may give them a more thrilling experience of Christmas. What you probably won’t give them, however, is the sense that you would not and could not lie to them about anything else. ( Sam Harris)

Your challenge for the week is to monitor your lying and be on the lookout of lying in others. You don’t need to call them out on their lies, but briefly think of me when you notice all the lies that help the world keep spinning. You might notice you lie more than you first imagined. You might notice your children lie much, much more than you are comfortable with. Be on the lookout to lies you are told, you tell to others, and most importantly, lies you tell yourself.





“When truth is replaced by silence, the silence is a lie.” 
― Yevgeny Yevtushenko