Bert User Guide

Greetings! You have made the correct decision in becoming friends (or more) with my favourite human: Bertram Leonard Brandon The Third. Before you begin your journey with this adventurous nomad, I feel that you need to know a few things. Car manuals come with instructions; blenders give directions on how to blend at maximum capacity for your family’s health and future; spaceships show you how to blast-off. This is a manual for dealing with Bert. No refunds or exchanges will be processed.

Bert is a sensitive soul. He has grown up with loving parents, a brother and sisters who care for him very much. He has not sought or ever dealt with harsh criticism during his time on this planet. He is well aware that there is much to criticize but he does genuinely want you to have a successful relationship with him. He wants to make your life better in any way that he can with his limited skill set; his heart in the right place. This is not always enough. He can be extremely stubborn when faced with either challenging situations or when he is clearly wrong (which is frequent). He does not operate at full capacity when even slightly hungry, tired or stressed. Fascinatingly, he gets thirsty often which may or may not be a future medical condition worth discussing with your new acquaintance.

His brother has had a tremendously positive influence on his life. His sisters have been nothing but kind and supportive of his life abroad. He speaks with his mom more often than a regular adult male but she brings joy into his life so you would be lucky to meet her; she’s good people. Bert’s dad died when he was 19 and we are unsure how that has influenced his post dad life. Bert's competitiveness, slight anger and non-verbal tendencies come from his dad's side. However, Bert is a better human after observing the importance of hard work, supporting or being the underdog, saving money, the importance of family and keeping an orderly lawn/garden.

He is self-conscious about many things. He is not handy, has never been in a real fight to defend his or a mistress’s honour. He has lacked financial aptitude and restraint in the past which he is secretly concerned about re-becoming an issue in the future. He is unsure he will be a fit husband/dad due to his lack of experience and the enormity of the challenge. He says one of his priorities is becoming better with food and cooking but early results of these New Year’s Resolutions are not promising. He is not flexible, has poor endurance and is the last person you would want picking a lacrosse team for you. His French language skills have diminished considerably since grade 12 and is poor at greeting/goodbyes. This may be time to reconsider the role this man will play into your future.

Having said all that, there are a few positives in allowing him into your life. From my knowledge of the situation, he is honest, trustworthy, humorous, kind, adventurous, fun, pensive, reasonable, outgoing in certain situations, spontaneous and inquisitive. He is someone who will help you move, take you on a picnic or cheer you up after your wife leaves you. While Bert has not always learned from all of his mistakes, I believe he has learned valuable lessons about honesty, communicating, being open and transparent.

It is important to remember that Bert is a kid at heart. While he has been technically an adult for some time now, people who know him best would say he leans more towards being a student than a traditional teacher. He has spent the majority of his life alone which has taught him a lot about who he is, what his strengths and weaknesses are and what he is looking for in others.

Before I forget, his laugh may startle you. It comes out of nowhere. It has been known to cause some embarrassment with those that socialize with him out in public. He laughs at random times. For example, at a movie theater where nobody else laughs at a particular line in the move, BAM! Classic Bert laugh. He does not enjoy people mocking his distinct laugh so proceed with caution.

Bert loves babies. He believes they are incredibly cute and adorable. He can relate to kids because as we noted earlier, he basically is one. He will make faces at babies on the subway and play with children where it is socially allowed. While he adores kids, he is in no hurry to have any now, in the foreseeable future, or possibly ever. He loves his nieces and nephews very much and wishes he could spend more time with them.

Other items to be aware of include his buying of bananas but rarely eating them, his ability to spill a cup of water if put anywhere near his feet, falling asleep with the light on, reluctance is speaking about his feelings, his inability to stay in a country longer than two years, his inability to tie a decent boat knot, the fact he would be a terrible detective due to his lack of attention to detail, he is easily agitated, is the last person you want making sure the rope to the water ski doesn’t get stuck in the boat’s motor which ultimately could kill someone’s best friend’s wife, the possibility of putting dish soap into an actual dishwasher, not finding a new job before quitting his current job, his ineptitude at stopping while skating, his poor drawing skills and questionable tattoo choices are all weak points for this being born May 18^th, 1986. For those interested in personality quizzes, he is an Enneagram 7 and a Myers Briggs ISFP.

While this may seem complicated, Bert certainly isn’t. As long as you love him with all your heart, make time for him, laugh at his jokes, listen to the occasional country song together, drink lemonade together, talk about books you read and quotes you like, play sports, climb mountains and explore waterfalls, feed him mango, bagels and Honey Nut Cheerios, learn how to gently criticize/influence his behavior, let him think he is in control when clearly he isn’t, let him have his alone time, accept that he will watch more football than he should and cares far too much about his fantasy football team and Dallas Cowboys, understand that he can be forgetful and to remind him to take his time, make a list and to visit the dentist regularly, as well as being open to travel and life abroad, your experience with this user will ultimately be a positive one. I wish you good luck on this adventure. 

'Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom'