Thursday, July 4, 2013

Why are you crying?

 Had the last five days off so I've either been snowboarding, watching movies or checking out all of the National Park walking trails. Some are under an hour and some can take more than eight hours to get to. Once you do get there, you set up camp and hike back the next day. Here are some pictures of those walks:

Then something strange happened. I love listening to podcasts while walking so I was listening to Alec Baldwin interview Rosie O'Donnell about her life, how she became famous and the way society has changed in terms of gays and lesbians. Then I just got sad. Then I started to cry. But I don't have anything to be sad about. I'm in an amazing country, doing the job I set out to get, food to eat, a bed to sleep in, have friends and generally life is looking pretty good for the next year or so. Maybe because I'm a guy (man?) and I just don't understand how feelings work or what I'm actually feeling. While trying to figure out what could make me cry out of nowhere, I came up with a few hypotheses:

-I miss Thailand. I miss how easy things were and my quality of life.

-I miss my old girlfriend. She made my life better.

-I miss teaching.

-I'm tired of not having a bunch of money and just having enough money to live. I don't want to be concerned money.

The main reason I think I felt that way at that time is I just miss my family. I have nieces and nephews I don't really know very well and one that I haven't even met yet. I miss my brother and sisters. My mom isn't the worst mom in the world so I guess I miss her sometimes too....
Part of me wants to go home. Part of me thinks that feeling this way is just normal after being away for two years, going on my third. Once I went home, after a few weeks I would want to keep travelling and teaching abroad. I don't want to be away from home just to be away. I feel like at some point, if I ask myself every day if I want to go home, eventually I will have more yes's than no's.

I try to write posts about how great travelling is and being generally optimistic while keeping our expectations in line. I also want to be honest about what life away from home is like to anyone who is thinking about leaving home. Missing babies being born, weddings, birthday parties, holidays and generally being a car ride away from people who are the most important in your life is what you miss out on. Hopefully this experience will make me appreciate my family more once I finally do go back for good. On the plus side, I genuinely feel like I've made friends these last two years that I consider my family. Now that is something to cry in joy about.

“Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. I was better after I had cried, than before--more sorry, more aware of my own ingratitude, more gentle.” 
 Charles Dickens

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